I have had some of the best one-hour blocks of time that I have had in my recent memory with her. No kids around to interrupt, no worries outside of the hospital bed and occasional interruption of a meal being delivered and a nurse checking blood pressure. I have spent time talking with her, getting her thoughts down about life, finding out where stuff is, etc., during lunch hours and the hour after work for these past four days.
She looks great, given that she’s had two heart attacks in the past four days. I have been given a gift of peace that I haven’t had before with her eventual and ever-nearing passing.
She feels it too.
So what’s different?
Why have I been blessed this way?
I wish I had the answer. What I can tell you is my part of the story.
I got a phone call from the hospital on Friday morning and the person who called me told me “Your mom would like family to be around her right now.”
Did you feel the chill I did when you read that?
My first response was “Okay. I’ll be right there.”
The next ten minutes were a blur of calling my brother, my husband, my boss, my father, and going to the bathroom (in that order) before locking my office and getting in the car. I didn’t turn off the computer and I calmly drove the ten minutes that my office is from the hospital.
In those ten minutes that I drove to the hospital, I felt Christ himself with me, telling me it was going to be okay.
If you don’t believe in Christ, then I don’t know how you found this blog or why you are reading it now. I’m not your preachin-it-to-you type, and I can give a list of blogs of other people I support and follow that can help you in that department.
But I know what I felt.
She was in the ER on the CPAP machine and the nurse was giving me the run-down of what happened and what the doctors’ said. I pulled out the directive I have been working on with my mom last month and was able to give her directions very clearly to the doctor and nurse. My mom signed her do-not-recesiuatate form (a DNR), and again, I was given a gift of peace that I could only get from the Lord – to know that it was going to be okay.
I’ve been working on this – this part of life I – nor my mother or brother or father want to work on – to get things ready. It’s only been a month since I’ve started, but I’ve been working on it. Maybe that’s why I’m being blessed now….
I’ve visited and read the bible to her, talked about my children with her, given her kisses, held her hand and told her she can stay with my family when she gets out. She’s going to be in there a few more days, continuing to get dialysis, and no one has told me how much time she has left. It’s because no one knows.
But I am at peace and there is no other feeling like it.
I may not “be ready” when she goes, but I am at peace because I know where she’s going.